|
| Somedays everything works out,
things fall into place
words flow from poignant fingertips
hearts beat in harmony
and the silence will say everything.
Memorable filmstrips of what you thought
were better days
seem misshapen
the better days are happening now.
Some days, you can stop
and listen to the music of the world
the dreamy, lilting melody
of passenger trains
and heartbreak pains
passing cars
growing grass
you can stop and listen to the sound of home.
Every now and then
you can be you
in the most primal you-ish stage
No makeup, no falsity
no lies, no need to hide
Somedays you start poems, trying to make a point
only to go back and realize you were writing in
senseless circles
and only you could see the mistakes.
Somedays, life is just too phenomenal
to put into letters and phrases
marred by punctuation in the wrong spots
When I see his smile,
everything falls into place
and the better days are happening | | |
| I feel bad about not posting as often as I used to, I've gotten so caught up in everything that I very rarely have time to sit down and actually write something. I did, however, make time to write a post that's in my personal blog, and I figured you guys deserved to know what was going on with me as much as the rest of the world.
As time goes by, I feel like me and B's relationship is declining, everything just feels sorta fucked up right
now.
I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I haven't done anything
wrong, nor has he, yet something just isn't right at the moment. He
keeps turning off his phone, or not answering when its on. Wtf? How are
we supposed to make a coast to coast relationship work if we never
communicate?
I'm probably worried
about nothing, but i've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach ugh
it's so difficult to describe other than something just doesn't feel
right.
We haven't talked to eachother in 2 days. No texts, no missed calls, nothing.
just
empty telephone wires and that stupid woman that makes the Sprint PCS
voicemails [btw, i've grown to hate that woman, if I ever meet someone
with that voice, i'm probably going to punch her in the face]Maybe
it's just the build up of other shit in our lives that we dont deal
with that's making this so difficult. Abby asked me yesterday "Don't
you ever get stressed out? or worry about anything? or get angry?"
And
it really made me notice how numb i've become. I mean, come on. I got
married a little over a month ago, and in that time frame my
grandfather has died, i've almost gotten kicked out of school twice,
i've been shitfaced alone a few times, i'm smoking almost a pack a day,
i've "stepped down" as president of NAHS, I've become almost completely
apathetic towards everything. Yet, i haven't dealt with it. Honestly, i
still don't feel like i've felt the full effect of losing Aaron, or
Mary for that matter.
Nothing comes easily, nothing feels good or bad, nothing really matters to me anymore.
I keep on feeling like i should feel something
but it just doesn't happen. I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed, and i
honestly think that feeling either way would feel better than being in
emotional limbo. I want to cry or laugh for hours instead of the
ocassional "man this sucks" or a falsehearted "hah". It's almost like
i've forgotten how to feel anything.
I almost feel forgotten.
Besides
Ella, almost no one from NOVA talks to me anymore. Abby and Mike are
pretty much the only 2 people i spend time with here (tonight me and
mike got shitfaced at a party with like 30 people tonight followed by
harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay, but i'm too far gone to
remember them or the movie) and i think that has a lot to do with why
I've isolated myself so much. Maybe i stopped caring because it seems
like everyone else stopped caring about me.wow that sounds
self-centered.
I guess i'm just stuck waiting. Waiting for some
form of emotion to hit me. Waiting for him to call. Waiting to find out
whats wrong with me. "You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away" Those lyrics seem all too inside my head [Citizen Cope- Sideways] I've just been really busy and I haven't had the time to deal with anything. No emotions, no stress, just a whole big empty life. It seems like i exist on niccotine and driving and everything else just falls into the wake. I love being with B, he makes my life complete in the partner aspect, but other than that [btw finding the love of your life feels amazing] i can't help but feeling unfufilled within myself. If that makes sense to anyone else, i deserve a prize.
Well, I still read my subscriptions every chance I get, and I've been keeping up with you guys, but i just thought i'd fill ya'll in on why there's been a sudden lack of postage ;)
Keep writing, I'm always reading
hopefully i'll find time to manifest some more poetry that doesn't suck!
Love Always
Lizz
| | |
| I find myself lacking inspiration
trying to find beauty
in the cold smoke escaping from my midnight cigarette
looking for meaning
in places too simple to dissect.
My dreams are missing imagination,
but somehow
through the creative road blocks,
I've managed to become somewhat happy.
My words weave twisted memories,
paths I no longer want to walk
but probably should.
My numb-to-the-world mentality
is only going to result in trouble,
but heated arguments
and regrets
are too much to risk.
| | |
| I throw myself into hurried decisions
and consult a five dollar pack
of twenty of my most addictive friends.
I wake up with a sniper's eye
and a grenade heart
torn between what's right
and what should have been.
Your steady hands make me uneasy,
your heartbeat makes me twitch
but then again,
you've broken me all the way down.
I still feel his eyes looking at my soul
as if to say " I am hurt"
or, "How could you"
one of those situations where you've held on so long
they depend on your insanity when they fall
At one time, that would've meant the world to me
at one time, he did mean the world to me.
Now my head is swimming with 1950's housewives
with gingham aprons and babies clinging to their hips
then I see your lips
and slowly, that becomes okay
and maybe, one day
I'll balance cooking and cleaning
and being a wife and mother
or maybe I'll just get drunk
and keep on enjoying my 27's
and the butane brutality that breaks my lungs
Sometimes I wonder why we have to capitalize
because really,
who thinks they deserved to be capitalized?
I don't
but the little i's do seem insignificant.
I will, yes, I do, of course
how long will you be mine?
how long will I be yours?
how long will it take for one of us to screw this up?
If you want me, satisfy me
hold me like gold, slipping through your fingers
molten and burning so richly
This could become a fiance fiasco
You scratched what itched
so now lets get hitched
but only in Vegas,
because
you've always had a big bang about you, baby.
[but really, my mom would kill you]
| | |
| Do you remember getting drunk on the hood of my car,
the night we'd driven too long and too far?
What about when we waited to tell her goodbye
until we climbed that hill and saw her star in our sky?
Or when the words to Amazing Grace never seemed so true
Do you remember stealing John's keys
and racing up and down 495
at speeds you thought would make Luke Skywalker jealous?
Can you recall the night we held eachother
and melded together
our breaths and heartbeats keeping rhythm to our song?
Can you remember the first time we learned that the good die young?
or when we counted the scars from friends whose lives
ended before they begun?
i remember the day where it seemed as if
all we could handle was tears and niccotine
i remember when we drove to Myrtle Beach
and drank so much tequila we thought we were in Cancun
remember when we skipped school and rode to philidelphia
because neither of us had tasted a real cheesesteak?
Can you remember when we believed in dreams?
when we could imagine impossible things?
Can you remember the day you left
when we made out next to the creek on the end of my street
and i cried because i couldnt say goodbye?
I remember singing softly in your ear
as we fell asleep in eachothers arms
Can you remember the roar of the engines?
can you feel that speed driven magic
that made us dance magnificently slow
to the words of "the way you look tonight"
and now, all i can remember are the hours and seconds
that i took for granted
how much i hated the place i love
and how i let you trickle through my fingers
like sand in an hourglass | | |
|
|
